Long Time No See.... what are those things?

So I have been gone for a while, mostly because I hate the job. lol. So I had my first job today out in the woods. I drive almost two hours to get there. A satellite Internet job. I arrive and it's out in the middle of the woods. I knock and he's not home, of course. I go and wait in the van, and he pulls up. First things first, lets see where your computer is at. We walk in, we get to the dining room, no computer. THEN he says do we need electricity? WHAT?!?!?! No lets just start rubbing our feet on the carpet and power it up with static electricity!!! Wait, where's your computer? No computer? What the hell am I supposed to hook up the modem to?!?! What a complete moron! Bend over and I'll hook it up to your ass, maybe you'll get high speed... Oh, and get this, he says he didn't "know" he'd need electricity or a computer to hook up to! Next thing I'll be getting the whole, "OH, I need a house for you to hook up my satellite system?" So I call to reschedule his appointment, when I see him rubbing at his translucent 80 year old legs, how odd. He kept wiping something away... So call made, he apologizes for wasting my time to which I say it wasn't a waste at all! IT SO WAS! I get to my van, and I look down and my legs are covered in these black specs... what is this? I too start to wipe at my pant legs, damn things are stubborn. What was it? Any guesses? There had to be at least a few hundred specs on my pants.... I pick one up and take a closer look... this spec has tiny legs.... then jumps from my fingers...FLEAS!!! WHAT THE HELL!!!! I start wiping like my legs were on fire. I spent the next few hours picking them off my legs, my socks, my shirt.... DISGUSTING! That bastard had better get his flea infestation under control, cuz I sure as shit ain't doin that job covered in fleas!

Could you move that trash can please?

The other day I encountered the epitome of white trash! Why is it that just because you're white, and have a smaller income do you have to perpetuate the damned stereotype of white trashiness! Ok, to paint the picture for you. I pull up, and first there's a couple broken down cars in the lawn. Not one, but TWO! Neither have wheels.... or doors. The porch is full of kids' toys and garbage. The lawn is knee high, and I kept tripping over shit just getting to the door! She walks out with a baby on her hip, and another runs past her in nothing but a diaper. Um... I think I can stop there. You get the point... and if you look outside whilst having a baby on your hip and see similar things in YOUR yard... God help you! And know this... anytime is a good time to get yourself fixed. Not fixed up... fixed like I neutered my cat fixed! It would be best for all of us! TRUST ME! So I'm working on the job, and I start connecting the lines at the power meter, and smell this terrible odor. I look over to my left at the porch, which is not two feet away, and what do I see? A trash can overflowing with dirty nasty diapers! OH GOOD GOD!! REALLY?! That's the first thing you want visitors to smell when they walk up to your front door? Your baby's urine and poops? Oh gross! And I have to be at this location for like thirty minutes... needless to say my then appetite for my lunch had vanished completely! Thanks for the half pound I lost that day Miss nasty house! The one thing that interested me in the house... she had a BUNCH of old Super Nintendo games! Course, they might have been new to these people. So I didn't mention anything about the new fangled contraption called the Wii. Why must you have five dogs and twelve cats?! When you cant afford to but cleaners to clean... anything, maybe you should get rid of some of your pets.. or get then fixed... maybe you could get a group rate, and they'll throw in yours for free! It could happen! Just sayin... look into it... PLEASE! For the love of God!!

What a douche!

Ok, so I have been low on good stories lately, and rather than bore you with more lame stories about bathrooms. So I haven't posted in a while. Today, however I didn't accomplish a damn thing!! So I get to my first job, and I ALREADY know I'm not gonna do this job. A certain apartment complex that is SOOOO strict, nothing ever gets done. So I let the nice man down easy, he and his son were cute. They looked so much alike. Moving on to my next customer. It was an adorable older gay couple. Well one left when I first arrived. So I start the job, and the other guy hands me this piece of paper saying he has power of attorney. I start to chuckle... I'm not a lawyer, I'm not gonna pull the plug on your boyfriend. Hell you could get a complete stranger and leave them here, and it wouldn't matter a bit to me. In fact, that's exactly what he does. He leaves, and gets his neighbor to stick around for me. So I finish the outside, and head inside to drill the hole, and run the line through. When she gets a call from the customer, and she gets this look of disappointment on her face. Hangs up. "Yeah, you gotta leave" Ummmmmm, excuse me?! "Yeah, they're cancelling, you gotta go. I know, it sucks" SUCKS?! Bitch, you're not the one who just got done working your ass off outside in this heat for three hours! grumble grumble grumble... So I take out the lines, the dish, EVERYTHING! Well, I call the dispatch center, and tell her the story... ten minutes later, she calls back to tell me why they've cancelled. THEY GOT EVICTED! Wow do I feel like a total douche for being pissy! Well... my last job was on the base here. Those also never go in. The bases are VERY strict on marking the ground, and giving permission, and such things. I arrive at the base on time, 12:30. I call him and ask where he lives. Damn number is nowhere to be found. He says he wont be there till 2:00. Oh great, so now I have to wait around for a couple hours considering I haven't accomplished a job all day. I sit there and messaged with a wonderful fairy. Filled my heart with happiness while sitting there waiting for this douche. He arrives, and goes to get permission, WOW you waited till now to ask if you could get it?! You're a real genius you know that? I'm not gonna make a lame joke about military "intelligence" Just sayin! So he comes out and says they said he couldn't get it. WOW... what a waste of a day... though you could look at it as having a paid day off...lol! Unfortunately there was no more work in my area, so I was sent home. Blessing in disguise. Went swimming, and had a wonderful evening!

Sometimes, I'm the idiot

Ok, so I haven't blogged in a while, half due to the fact that I've been getting home rather late form work, and half because I seem to be getting all the sane people... which is just terrible for my blog, and my day. They keep me laughing all week long. Well I get to this job where I'm installing satellite Internet. So she obviously seems competent, being a nurse and all. So I start the job and it's going smoothly enough. When I realize I dropped my wrench somewhere, and can't finish the job without it. Well I'm screwed! How crappy is that?! So I start retracing my steps, and what do I find? My hammer underneath the trailer... WHAT?? When did I lose this? Have I just totally lost it? Now, I've already been at this job for an hour longer than I should have, AND I'm over two hours away from home. So I REALLY don't have time for this. So I'm looking and looking, and nothing. Well I also haven't eaten since about six in the morning, and this fat kid gets cranky when that happens. So now I'm really cursing up a storm. Well I decide to clean up my mess, and throw trash away, and there it is. On the ground underneath the remnants to a box. Well thankfully!! So I finish everything, and head inside. The lady has a power strip completely filled, so I ask her to disconnect one of the plugs, so I can connect the modem. Well what does she do? She disconnects the powerstrip from the wall! Really?! How am I supposed to power up your computer and startup this crap internet?! C'mon lady! Use your head! What, am I supposed to power it up with my Fairy godfather powers? Guess what? I'm all out of "pixie" dust! Lets just use good ol' boring regular electricity. Really... what was she thinking? Some people... I can only chalk it up to her not really thinking, course that doesnt explain why she couldn't remember the password she just typed in not two minutes ago. I-D-I-O-T!!!! Just sayin.

How Gay is that?!

Ok, today was a GORGEOUS day! I couldn't believe how awesome it was.... and I just HAD to be working. Oh well... so my first job reschedules, idiots without TVs. "What you can't do the job without TVs? They didn't say anything about that!!!" Do we really have to tell you not to stab yourself with a knife? Or how about not to be a dumb ass? Do we really need to tell you that we need TVs to hook up to? How can I make sure it works?! Well.. we've been over this. Moving on, my next job cancelled out, the guy was a cutie, but not much going on upstairs. You live in an apartment complex surrounded by trees, you're not getting it. Which was kind of a let down, cuz I enjoyed looking at him... lol! Moving on, so I called my last customer of the day to ask if I could show up early, and he started yelling at me that he wanted to sleep in on a Sunday! Well excuse me for waking you up your highness! I didn't realize you couldn't hit the ignore button on your damn phone and not answer it. How about you stop being a little bitch, and just go back to bed. Then I made the mistake of saying, I'd be back at his scheduled appointment, but if for some reason they weren't available we'd have to reschedule. And apparently he heard me call his mama a whore! Cuz the next thing I hear is howling monkey in my ear! "WE'RE NOT RESCHEDULING!!! THIS IS THE THIRD TIME WE'VE HAD TO RESCHEDULE" WHOA!!!! First, I don't care if this is the 30the time we've been out there, if you weren't ready the last 29 times, then you're the dip shit for not being ready! So fast forward to me working on their roof. Now this has nothing to do with the Stalin-esque guy who's house I was working at, but I just had to mention it. So I'm listening to my music, and Tina Turner's Proud Mary comes up. And I'm jammin away, singing as quietly as I can, when all of a sudden I realize I'm tightening up the bolts to the dish at the beat of the song! WHILE shaking my booty! Now I can only ask one question to that.... HOW GAY IS THAT?!?! Well all I can say is at least it wasn't some musical... although that was the next song that played.... Mama Mia. Even worse, a musical AND ABBA. Good Grief sir....

What's that smell?

Ok, so I can officially say that I'm a dreamer. I always think I'm gonna get home at a decent time, but then I don't, because I work for the Third Reich! Moving on, so... wait. I can't move on till I tell you why. So they send my happy ass to Alabama! I think we've gonna over my feelings on Alabama. But, if you missed it I HATE the state!!! Not every person in the state, I hate working there. No signs, no addresses marked... not to mention it's Ala-freakin-bama for cryin out loud! Who wants to really go there?! If I could go avoid ever driving in that state, you'd see a very gay Mexican! So they added a job to my route today without taking one away from me, bullshit! Get that one done and head to my next job, and I pull up to a trailer park. Now I know what you might be thinking, this gay has a thing against trailers, well I do! But only because there are soooo many "folks" who perpetuate the stereotype! I park the van, and this female walks up to my door, I hate that, and she has bleach blond hair, her teeth are the color of mortar. You know, the stuff between bricks? Yeah... I puked in my mouth a little she grossed me out so much. Then she walked away and her backside grossed me out just as much! Bleh! I go inside, and she has three pit bulls in one cage, which really pissed me off! Bitch, you get in there and see what it's like! Then lets cram your whale of a boyfriend in there with you and see how much room there is then. So then I walk to the master bedroom where the other box is going and I hit a wall. A wall you say? Yes, a wall... a wall of urine! The stench was astonishing!!! And apparently, they "just" moved in... riiiiiight. Cuz this funk just happens overnight. So I go out and do the dish and stuff, come back into the piss-room and get ready to drill... and like an idiot a kneel down, and I feel wetness on my knee... I GOT PEE ON ME!!! UUUURRRRGGGGH!!! I'm now gonna have your puppy piddle on my knee for the rest of the day! I really didn't expect to have dog pee on me for half a day... it's not quite what you would imagine.... It's MUCH worse!! Some people, you know? How can you live like this?! It's deeeeeesgusting! I know my first thought when I moved out on my own certainly wasn't, "Hey, I wanna live in a pisshole of a trailer, filled with a trio of whizzing waggers! My first impression of the woman, and i use the term loosely, was that she was trashy as yesterdays five dollar whore, and boy had I underestimated her. She surpassed that one easily! One last thing... her ass was hanging out of her shorts... but like only a third of it was, the other two thirds were getting folded by her shorts... GROSS!!! Have some damn decency, but I suppose that's too much to ask from someone who'd rather pay for cable AND satellite, instead of this little invention called the toothbrush.... just sayin.

It's not THAT bad!

So it was raining something fierce the other day. Just a side note, not the same when I don't blog about the day on the day, but i didn't get home till after eight, and i had to eat, then go to bed. So I get all my jobs done by three! I thought, how awesome is this! I'll go home and clean, and have a nice evening... well not according to the Nazis I work for! So they send me an hour from where I am... really an hour? Why not just send me to Mississippi?! So I can really enjoy true redneckisms! Not that we don't have PLENTY of missing teeth on this side of the state line. So I get to my next job, and its a nasty garbage filled trailer! Instead of a skirt, it has piles of crap around it to keep the "bugs out" Whatever gets you through the night! So it starts raining... and thundering...YESSSSSSS!!!! Sorry ma'am I cant work in thunder... and before I can finish my sentence, she says, "I think we need to reschedule, its getting pretty bad" WOW, what a nice lady! So then I think, well its almost 5:30, for sure I'll get to go home.... NOPE! So I head out another 40 minutes away.... again, why not just rent me a hotel room for the night you bastards! I can't help the damn weather! I put my quarter in the payhpone, and gave God a quick call, and bribed him my soul for some thunder...lol! So I get to my last job, I hope, and apparently the rain and thunder has followed me. So I say the same to her... and she says, "I NEED MY TV! It's not THAT bad!" Meanwhile visibility ZERO! The sky is getting lit like crazy by the lightning... yeah not that bad! Tell you what you whacky woman... go and hold my metal umbrella for me... real high now so you can get your hyena ass a real good jolt up your ass! Why would I wanna die to give you your cheap ass TV, no HD, no DVR.... whats the point? Let me just kill myself.... FOR YOU! Yeah, I die, and you STILL don't get TV... so how about NO!!!! You can just get a reschedule! And you know what this bitch says? "You can wait it out" Yeah I can wait it out comfortably in my bed asleep, you wait out here for me with my "special" umbrella and I'm goin home you moron! This dish is made of metal, do I look like Ben Franklin?! Some people, ya know? Who demands to get a satellite installed on a day such as this? You are not important enough for me to pull you out of a pile of shit, eww by the way, so I think I'm gonna go ahead and leave. Seems that's how my stories end.

Magnum OPUS!

Ok, so I know I missed yesterday. Been happening alot lately, however this time was not my fault, lol. I didn't arrive home till almost nine, then I surely had to eat, shower and sleep. So as to why I arrived home so late? We'll get to that in a moment. First though, I must tell you about this cute old couple I met that day. They were OLD as dirt, lol... but oh so nice. They had been married for SIXTY FOUR YEARS! They met, get this, at a movie theatre they both worked at! I love this story already cuz it involves the theatre! He was an usher at the theatre, already that dates him as being ancient, lol! She was the "candy girrrrl" No misspell, thats how she said it. Wow, that's awesome! Gives one hope doesn't it.

So on to the assholes who made me stay out till forever. Ok, so they weren't exactly assholes, but feels good to call them that, lol. So my first mistake was thinking this was a quick job... always bites me in the ass. Simple swap replace receiver, 30 min job turns into FOUR HOURS! So first the lady decides she want another receiver added to the order... Lady, figure out what you want THEN place your order. You don't order a pepperoni pizza, then as thy're bringing it out you decide you want a supreme! Cuz I'd spit in your damn supreme! I've seen WAAAAY worse, but I'm sure that's someone elses blog. Too bad I can't spit on your service... spitting on the dish does me no good. Made me feel a tad better. So, then I notice that last douche bag out there mounted the dish improperly. It's squished up against the chimney, all warped and shit! So the easy thing would be to move the dish onto the roof just two feet away from where the dish is. Well the customer proceeds in telling me this LOOOOOOONG and boring story about why he doesn't want it there, he wants it somewhere else. Well at the end of his opus, I tell him he lost me in the sea (of bullshit) So I have to relocate the dish cuz it would be "visible" where I wanted to put it. Cuz two feet makes SUCH a big difference in being visible... he must have eyes like Mr. Magoo! Blind bastard. So I rerun cable lines through his attic, mount the dish... then FINALLY finish what I was sent there to do. Some people ya know? Why do I need to hear you tell me a crap bedtime story as to why two feet makes such a huge difference, and why you now have an exterior kitchen... what the hell do I care about your crappy grill you bought at wally world. Lets try to cut the crap, tell me what you want, cuz it's about to rain on my gay ass, and I want to get home to watch my gay ass show! Maybe if you got a little gay in you your stories would be more entertaining... just sayin

Bathroom... can I find a clean one please?

So one thing that we installers have to frequent is public bathrooms. Yeah, i know... it WAS a slow day if I'm talking about bathrooms. So I'm gonna disclose some medical issues I have that might be considered TMI. My gallbladder was removed a few years and so now I occasionally have to RUSH to the bathroom after breakfast and... do my business. So I stopped at a gas station and used the restroom. Now I unfortunately took a long time, just a result of the lack of gallbladder. Now this bathroom was SOOOO disgusting! Dingy, nasty, very backwoods I'm gonna get stabbed by a maniac bathroom. So I come out, after washing my hands thoroughly of course, and the store clerk asks me if I was sleeping back there! REALLY?! Who would take a nap in your damn disgusting bathroom? Is there a bed back there I missed? 'Cause if there WAS one, they'd have to have a death wish to touch anything in there like a "bed"! GROSS! So I just ignored his insensitive comment, ASSHOLE, and then he says I didn't pay! Since when do I have to pay to use a restroom, considering there's no sign! Now I had FULLY intended on filling up my van, which takes around $90. So I say, well I must have missed the coins slot to put my quarter. "Well you have to pay at the register" Well you can stick that "pay right up your patootie! You thought I was gonna say "ass" didn't you? Well you're an idiot! I WAS gonna fill up, but NOW I'm gonna fill up across the street at Tom Thumb. So I left that cheap bastard and went across the street. I felt good...lol! So I told that story to say that EVERY Tom Thumb I've gone to has been the CLEANEST bathroom in town! And that is SOOOO important to this germaphobic queer! EWW!! Now I'm not saying it's like that everywhere, but here where I love they are lovely... or at least as lovely as a public bathroom can be. So that guy lost a sale of $90. Some people these days. Don't you know you catch more gays with honey than with vin... Wait that's not how that goes.... Oh well, I want some salt and vinegar chips.... So much for sayings huh?

It's not always like this... Riiiight!

So I show up to another trailer... seem to be alot of those around here! Well, normally I pull up to my first job and I do my paperwork before I walk in. Well one of the things that annoys me like a ugly drag queen! He comes up to the door of the van and knocks on my window... like I didn't see him just second ago.. WHEN I WAVED TO YOU! Does he really think I'm gonna park, sit there for ten minutes and leave? Call it in... yeah he didn't come and knock on MY door. Wait for me to come to YOUR door, or at least to your front porch. Seriously, what are you thinking? " I best go let him know I'm still here... even though he just saw me... just now." REALLY?! Moving on, so this guys wires were chewed up like crazy! He must have gotten hungry, cause there wasn't anything in that trailer but garbage and dirty clothes everywhere. "it doesn't look like this all the time" he says. You know, when the piles of clothes are crusted to the floor... I think it's pretty safe to say that this is how it looks like ALL the time! Don't lie sir, you guys live... dumpy like. Hey, I'm no Mary Faggins... but c'mon! Pick up ONE thing as you pass the crap, and soon... it's cleaner! Some people you know? Why is it you try to lie to me about how you live? If you're so embarrassed about it, try shoving it into the closet! There's plenty of room in there... I should know, your gay boy over there burst outta there like the Kool-aide guy! There's PLENTY of room in there! He's sooo flaming I'm surprised this place hasn't gone up in flames... just sayin! I should know... there was PLENTY of room when I did my own busrting.

Man, are YOU trusting!

So today my first customer was me. HAHAHA, I had to do my own movers connection. That's where a customer moves, and needs to be reconnected at their new place. So I had to hook up my system, and get paid for it!! Not bad, huh? And the most interesting thing to happen at my place was accidentally seeing my best friend grabbing her husbands balls unexpectedly, and him yelping like a little girl... lol! On to my next customer. So I get to my next job, and the house is HUGE!!! BEAUTIFUL house! The customer is a nice guy, shows me around where all his TVs are. We go to the second story, and i see another set of stairs, one of those twirly stairs. No TV going up there though... I'm nosy and want to see what's up there! But, I won't get a chance to, because he's probably gonna watch me the ENTIRE time... just a feeling I get from some guys. Boy was I wrong! He showed me what needed to be done and LEFT!! Went right back to his little workshop in his garage, and left me the hell alone! WOW IS HE TRUSTING! He is SOOOOOO lucky I'm an honest person!!! So I finished the outside, and made a B-line for those twirly stairs! I go up... and it like a tower where he would keep Rapunzel! Only no bed... all there was were a couple of telescopes. That was TOTALLY cool! Except they couldn't point up towards the sky because of the way the roof was. EWWWWWW!!! This guy probably watches the teens of the neighborhood!!! Gross old pervert!!! Or maybe he's insane, and it's a lookout tower for when zombies arise from the dead!!! But then why would he have the biggest glass door? They could bust through like butta! And it'd be curtains for you and your weakling of a wife! She's so frail, I wouldn't put it past you to throw her in the path to save your own hide... cuz your largness couldn't run that fast... or far. Wow am I off topic, anyways, so I peek into their bathrooms and WOW!!! Especially the master bathroom, which by the way, has a TV in one of the mirrors! It's like a two sided mirror with a TV behind it... it was COOL! Some people though... so trusting. I know some guys who would have taken TOTAL advantage of that situation. Now I know I probably shouldn't have gone snooping up that last staircase, but I just wanted to see. Now had I found a dead body up there, well then it would have served me right for bein nosy! Dead body or not though... lets not leave service men, or women, alone in your home please. What if I had decided to wipe my ass with your pillow case??? Just sayin...

Where are you?

So today was mostly uneventful. All my customers today were nice and BORING! But, there was this one customer. I didn't actually meet her. I called to let her know I was arriving in twenty minutes... no answer. I punch in the address into my GPS, head out. This woman lived almost in Alabama! We were so close to the state line I could SMELL Alabama!!! Ay! It's no secret I have no love for the state of Alabama. I don't have a problem with Alabamans, just the state! Every other street has a sign, 1 out of 20 houses have the address somewhere visible by the street... GRRRRR! But I digress... So I arrive and knock on the door, and all I hear is her dog barking and yowling at me. I walk around the back, and give out a shout. The dog comes around and starts barking from the backyard. He smelled mexican... does it to dogs everytime apparently. Now I only have to wait fifteen minutes before I can leave if nobody is home. I thought, well I'll call once more, no answer. I waited twenty minutes... and left. I get a call an hour later, "WHERE ARE YOU?" Um, I was there on time... where were you? Heaven forbid you should be at your home at your scheduled appointment! Don't start bitching at me that the "cable" guy is ALWAYS late! First off, I'm NOT the cable guy... I'm the SATELLITE guy!!! Says so on my shirt... and you've seen the big ass vans we drive? There's that big ass logo on the side of the van! So stop screeching like a howling monkey at me! Second off... I WAS THERE!!! "Well you were SUPPOSED to call my cell phone" Lets try this... be home when your appointment says we'll be there, or how about answering your damn phone! That couldn't POSSIBLY be a good idea! "Well I want you to come back and fix my service!" HAHAHAHAHAHA!! Well I want Hugh Jackman as my personal slave, but looks like we're both gonna keep wanting! ACTUALLY... I have more of a chance of getting what I want, than me coming back to the house of the shrieking eel! Some people these days... think that yelling is the answer for everything. Had she asked politely, I would have gone back. But bitchyness gets NOTHING! Next time treat me with respect... you were the dumbass not home. I showed up when I was suppose to. I think its time to call someone who cares, and reschedule...honestly they probably don't care either.

Fired?! What?!

So I normally don't blog about my life as an installer on my day off, however this needs to be said. So I get home from getting my truck, SO EXCITED, and I'm unloading my birdcage when I receive a text with the heading, "Fired". So I've been having problems with my supervisor ever since he took over for my best friend. We've had man argument about how he talks to me, and how he should be showing respect not contempt if that's what he wants in return. So my numbers aren't perfect, lets face it I don't LOVE this job. That's just it, it's a job. It pays my bills and allows me a bit extra for some fun at times, so maybe I don't pout my ALL into it like I should. Well our last conversation was the worst argument we'd had. He opens the conversation with "WHERE ARE YOU!" I had to drive over an hour from one job to another, and unfortunately I didn't have the equipment for the job because he had given it to me late in the day, so I went to go find me a receiver to do the job. "WELL YOU NEED TO LET ME KNOW WHERE YOU ARE AT ALL TIMES!!!" Oh and by the way I also sneezed, and had to blow my nose, then I scratched my ass at 2:30... WHAT THE HELL?! He even checked the warehouse to see what equipment I had on my truck just in case I were lying. Really? You're not important enough to me to lie to. So I called the head supervisor of the office, and bitched about him for thirty minutes, saying I wasn't the only one he talked to like that. Well I thought for sure he had it out for me! Getting back to the text, so it was from him.... uh oh! Yeah... he texted to let us know, our team, that he has been let go!!! WHAT?! Why? Well he "couldn't" tell me. WOW!!! You know, things were getting better. I had finally found my groove with him... and yes I literally told him about EVERY bowel movement I had! Some people these days just get what they deserve... so they say. I felt bad for him, still do, I didn't want him fired. I just wanted him to be more of a human being and less of a NAZI BASTARD! Well either way, I hope he does well and finds himself another job, just not as a supervisor... he sucks at that BIG TIME! And not the good suck... just sayin.

Put that away please...

Ok, so I didn't get a chance to write yesterday because I received a very disturbing message yesterday morning, and it bothered me the whole day. And for some reason I couldn't remember what had happened the entire day, which after you read this you might say to yourself, "how could he forget?" I'll tell you, its a defense mechanism, the mind blocks memories too horrid to keep one from going into a psychosis. Which believe me, a mental problem is arising from it! So I get to this job, and this really big black woman opens the door. She's nice enough, no problems, then her daughter walks passed with her hair up, obviously being worked on. So we go over everything, and I do the dish, come inside to put in the boxes. I go from the living room to the bed room, then I walk over to the master bedroom, and I can hear them talking, nothing of consequence... I walk in and what do I see? A big ol black TITTY!!! EWWWWW AAAAGHHHH!!! BLEH!!! I say WHOA, excuse me!!! Meanwhile thinking Ma'am pick that thing up off the floor and put it away!!! It was HORRIFYING!!! It was... disturbing. Meanwhile, she says, "ooops" OOOPS?! Really? OOOPS? That's all you have to say? Then she says, " well it's not the first one he's seen" Well no it's not, but its the first one I've seen that was around when Moses was around!! Not to mention the ones I've seen at least were above the ladies' knees! Well... this WAS the first black booby I've seen. Not that it was better or worse cause of the color... it was cause I saw old TATAS, HONKERS, GAZONGAS, MELONS, TITTIES!!! EWWWW! Now that's not to say I have problems with boobies, they're cute and interesting things... some of them.... just NOT hers. Her daughter yells out, "MOM!!!" And then she says, "eh" By this time I'm already out the room, wigging out from the what my eyes had just behold. Um, ma'am I'm gonna go finish the outside... Yeah, this big woman had been wearing a spaghetti strapped moomoo. WOMAN, you really need something with leather straps to hold those (powdered)milk bombs up! Some people just have no consideration for others! Who leaves their honker just hanging out for all the world to see? If my balls were hanging out there, I could tell!!! And I would put them AWAY! And it's not like it's a secret I'm in the house, I AM making noise and stuff. I've handled my fair share of chi-chis, but these were the first I could have handled with my feet. Ma'am, I'm gay... I like other things that hang... but those better not hang THAT low either, or he has some serious issues. Issues that you two could talk over... just leave me out of it!

Nosy Neighbors... WHAT DO YOU WANT?!

Ok, so today all my customers were BORING!!! Really nice people, but boring.... their neighbors on the other hand ALL buttinskies!! At my first job I walk up to my customer who is having a cup of coffee, steam rising from his cup, and he says he know the problem. What a change, somebody thinks they know more about our satellite system than the guy who's been with the company for almost three years. Anyways, so he shows me what he THINKS is wrong, when his neighbor shows up, and they start talking about how shitty a job the guy did on his house, the neighbor. The he proceeds to come over and tell me all about his terrible service, and horrible install. Ummmmm.... what do you want me to do about it? I'm sorry? Wait, didn't you just say you're moving to Atlanta? What does it even matter, you negative Nancy! Then he starts telling me that the signal going to the boxes is crap because its not set up the same way his system is set up. NEWS FLASH!!! Technology changes daily! Your system is almost obsolete!! How about you let me deal with how this system works, and why its not working. And you deal with your balls, and go HOME!!

So the next customer had JUST as a nosy neighbor, only this one decides to tell me I'm doing my job wrong! The customer is swapping over from the other satellite company, and I now have to remount the dish because they mounted it in a very unstable and dangerous manner. She comes up and DEMANDS to know why I can't do it the same way they did. Well for one thing I tend to do things the right way, and for another WHO THE HELL ARE YOU?! Then she asks me why they can do it that way. Well why don't you call them up and ask? I don't work for them, as is plain by the logo on my shirt, and that big ass van on the street. See, I don't know what they do, I don't work for them, cause they suck ass! Some people these days, what makes them think they can just come out of nowhere and start dictating what I'm doing at a house that isn't even theirs! Hey, I like "dictating" as much as the next gay satellite installer, but c'mon!

Dogs

So I get to my first job, and this lady opens the door, and immediately her dogs start barking, one small dog looks to be a mix of Chihuahua and Pomeranian, and the other looks to be a mix of rottweiler part grizzly bear all teeth... and the big one instantly starts growling and showing teeth, lots of teeth. "Oh don't worry, my dogs wont bite" Riiiiiight, well maybe you can put them away, yeah? So she puts them in her Florida room in the back, thankfully I didn't have to ask her more than once. See I've been bitten by dogs that "don't bite". So now, I don't care if your dog won 1st prize in friendliest of show... put your beast away!!!! Now that's not to say I don't like dogs, I have a dog, I like my dog... I just don't like YOUR dogs!! I seem to have gone astray... where was I... Oh yeah, so I start running the wire around the back of her house, and of course her MONSTER of a dog starts growling and barking... and LUNGING at me through the screen!!! I thought for sure I was gonna see cujo rip through the screen and have me for lunch! She yells from inside the house... "I'm sorry, he doesn't bite I promise" WHAT?!?! Right, he just wants to say hi.... with his teeth... to my FACE!!! Oh, I'm sorry I didn't mean to bleed all over your lawn... YOUR DOG JUST TOOK BIT A CHUNK OF MY ASS OFF!!! Don't you know as a gay man I really need that?!?! She finally puts him in the bathroom in the house, after I asked her to. You know, I don't know how some people can be so delusional, yeah your dog wont bite YOU... you feed him, you're his master... I'm the jackass invading his home... also known as a snack between meals. You know, I'm not mad at the dog, he's just doing his job. I'm annoyed that you can't tell your dog is ready to mutilate me... I'm sure he LOVES Mexican... I know I do.

Idiot Supervisors, can we ever get away from you?

So today there weren't any stupid customers.... supervisors is a different story. Now I know we all have stupid supervisors, it seems to be a requirement these days, however, I think this one ranks up there in idiocy. So I look at my job roster, and turns out I only have one job to do, in the afternoon. Now I had already decided to go into the warehouse to fix a payroll issue right away, as I'm sure you mess with money there will be problems!! They don't want a rabid homo-Mexican on their hands now do they? It's not a pretty picture, let me tell you! ANYWAYS, I head back to Pensacola, and get a phone call from our satellite internet partner asking me why I haven't arrived to my job yet. Well this is the first I'm hearing about it, so I head up TWO HOURS from where I am, I get there and my supervisor calls me. "Where are you?!" WOW, well hello to you too!!! How's about a hi how ya doin, before you start ripping into my ass! I mean its the least you can do right? Well I'm in Brewton, AL. "OH!, well I didn't know. I gave you a job in Fort Walton Beach" (Which is almost three hours from my present location for those of us not in the know) Why did you give it to me? Or better yet, why didn't you ask me first what I was doing? "well i assumed" Now we ALL know what happens when you ASSume!! Bitch!! Don't you ever communicate with the office? You wan to know where I am at all times, I've gotten to the point where I feel like i need to tell you every time I have a bowel movement! Should I call you when I need to sneeze to?! GOOD GRIEF!! I only say such things because he and I have had multiple conversations about my whereabouts, and each time he's come out looking like the bitchy queen that erupts when she doesn't get her way! Take a damned xanax sir... and leave me the hell alone, I've been doing this for three years now, I THINK I know what I am doing!!! At least that's what my mama told me!

Just a note, I forgot to post this yesterday, although not one of my better posts.... so maybe it was subconscious.

No Line of Site

Ok, so today we're gonna starte at the end of my day, 'cause customer number 1 is too good to lead in with. So I get to my last job after not doing a damn thing all day, but driving hour after hour from one rescheduled job to another. lol! I knock, and she opens the door..."Are you here to fix my satellite tv?" NO.... why would i do that??? Then she says, "I'm not getting anything on either of my tvs. If you see to the right all I can say is I wonder why!!!! Really? You don't know why there's no reception? Take a WILD GUESS!!!

Moving on to my first customer. I pull in, and this man's driveway is a dirt road through a forrest! So i'm really expecting to find a dish also not able to recieve signal. I pull in, and sure enough.... A BUNCH OF TREES!! I double check it and sure enough, there is? no line of sight. I get to the door, and no one answers. I call him, and he says, "oh, you're here? I though my appointment was from 8 to 12" Well sir, it's 8:30. "8:30? Oh maybe I should get ready" YA THINK?!?!?! So he gets to the door, and walks away... ummm do I just walk in? WIERD! So he FINALLY comes back to the door, and unlocks it, lets me in. Well I can tell you that you have trees in the way, and unforunately there's no where I can move the dish to. "So its not working, I want to watch the lakers." Um sir, I can tell you that the trees are in your way, and um thats whats causing your problem. His eyes... completely glazed over. so I take him outside, and he asks where the dish has to point to, and I say south southwest. "Why?" Cause thats where the satellites are located at. "why did they put them there?" REALLY?!?! Cause thats where they put them, who cares why! So then he says "but we've had you guys for four years, and there was never a problem before." Thats right... cuz trees don't GROW! Naaaaaa, that couldn't be it... no that doesn't happen... His next statement damn near FLOORED me!! "Why can't you put my dish up in the sky?" COME ON MAN!!! IN THE SKY? How the hell am I supposed to do that? Am i supposed to construct a device to suspend your dish high above the trees in mid air?!?! Or should I go get a step ladder and hold your damned dish?!?! Maybe you should go hire yourself a mexican to hold it for you!!! Cause this mexican gets paid a hell of a lot more than you can afford! Not to mention YOU'RE BAT SHIT CRAZY!!! And I'm outta here! You looney bastard!!!

What a surprise!

Today was pick up day, every Thursday is. That means I get up at 4am to be at the warehouse at 6am... BLEH!!! IT REALLY SUCKS!!! Nothing special happened there, just the usual unload... load back up. Headed to my first job, and I'm pulling up to these horendous trailers... now I'm expecting this HUGE chudly fat guy to open the door, or this nasty old woman with bugs crawling over her, (I've seen both, NO LIE!!) now that's not to say all folks who live in trailers are trashy. I've been in some really nice ones, with wonderful people, so don't get all hate full up in here. However, these trailers were NASTY!!! And when I knocked on the door, it sort of opened a little... the door doesn't even shut here! I yell out a "hello?"... nothing. Then I hear footsteps running, OK... someones here. I wait, and the door swings open, and this MAN wearing nothing but gym shorts and dripping wet from the shower is standing before me... he could have been a model he was soooooo HOT!!Abs, chest, shoulders, face... MMMM HMMM!!! He got rescheduled, he lives amongst a damn forest, I don't know what he was thinking when he called us out, but I'm damn sure glad he did!!! lol.

Second customer was boring... moving on to my last customer of the day. I call him cause his scheduled appointment is at 4pm. He picks up the phone, says he knows nothing about the upgrade to get a new DVR in his home, but wants to know how much it's gonna cost him. To which I reply, well I 'm not given that information, I'm just the jackass they send out to do the install. So I get there, and this big dude opens the door... dripping wet... just kidding, wanted to see if you were paying attention, he was obviously a nurse and obviously not the guy I talked to on the phone. I walk in and this OLD man is in a bed in the living room with tubes coming out of his nose. The first question out of his mouth? "How much is this gonna cost me?" REALLY!?!?!? Didn't we JUST go over this? I DON'T KNOW!!!! What makes you think the drive over here was gonna change that? Besides, whats it matter anyways... you're on you death bed...lol. I'm gonna get so much hell for that one. Anyways, so I did the job and he just HAD to ask me again about the prices... maybe his mind went already...lol! Not likely, he was an ass about everything, but you can't really deal with those kind of olds. Got to go home early after all that, was kinda nice. YAY to an early start to my weekend!!!

Reall? I need those?

Ok, so I thought for sure I would have nothing to say today, my first two customers were BORING!!!! Then I arrive at my last job. WHEW! So he opens the door, and the first thing to come out of his mouth? "Do you bring a dish to do the install?" REALLY?! Did he just ask me if I brought a damn dish? No, I brought some girl scout cookies, you want some thin mints or caramel delights? C'MON!! What the hell do you think I brought with me? Yes, i brought a dish, lol! I look around and he is obviously moving in, stuff is all over the room, boxes, furniture in general stuff all over the place... what I dont see however is a tv. I let it pass for now, until we move on to the next room, again no tv. Sir... do you have any tvs for me to do the install? "I need those? You cant just hook them up and trust that they'll work?" Thats right sir, let me just hook them up and have you call in a service call on me cuz you're an idiot and dont know how to hook up these recievers to your tvs! Make me look bad and cause me not to get my raise thank you very much! YES I need tvs!!! in each location!!! Good grief. I really can't believe some people, lol. What, am I gonna just sense that they're working? You were JUST throwing around those recievers as though they were sacks of crap!
Moving on, I also have to replace all the cabling in the house, and his wife asks me why I can't just tie on the new cable to the existing cable and pull it through the house.... up and down her two story house. OH MY GOD!!!!! Really? Did you just ask me to MAGICALY weave cable through your home like it were a damned basket? It's not the first time I've been asked that either. WOW!!! have i got even more to say about these morons, lol, but i think I'll leave it there.
You know, I don't know what goes through peoples minds sometimes. Do I look like a David Copperfield? The job is done here on earth, where there are limitaions to what a person can do considering your house is BUILT!!! And not just a frame!!! Next time call Jesus, cause you're gonna need a miracle to have it done the way you want it. Or maybe call me when you tear down some walls and your house too.

Unexpected Day Off

So today I woke up, really not wanting to go to work... at all!!! I get up get ready, get my lunch ready and head out. Only to find out that I have no work scheduled for myself. I called to find out if I actually got the day off, and they say we'll call you back.... So I wait, and I wait, and they call back with a job for me in Pensacola. YES!!! I could really use the money, even though I already had 23hrs for the first two days of the week. I start driving to PCOLA very excited about making money... hee hee hee. Halfway there I get another call, "did you call the customer to let them know you're on your way?" Uh oh... "no, why? Um I mean yes!!" I hear laughter from my friend at the office. She called to tell me that our head honchette has decided to send me home. Really?! You couldn't have just let me stay home while I was there? If only I had money, I could go see a movie, or something. Anyways I'm now sitting here watching the WONDERFUL Meryll Streep in her Oscar nominated performance in Julie & Julia... feeling a tad lonely.