Long Time No See.... what are those things?

So I have been gone for a while, mostly because I hate the job. lol. So I had my first job today out in the woods. I drive almost two hours to get there. A satellite Internet job. I arrive and it's out in the middle of the woods. I knock and he's not home, of course. I go and wait in the van, and he pulls up. First things first, lets see where your computer is at. We walk in, we get to the dining room, no computer. THEN he says do we need electricity? WHAT?!?!?! No lets just start rubbing our feet on the carpet and power it up with static electricity!!! Wait, where's your computer? No computer? What the hell am I supposed to hook up the modem to?!?! What a complete moron! Bend over and I'll hook it up to your ass, maybe you'll get high speed... Oh, and get this, he says he didn't "know" he'd need electricity or a computer to hook up to! Next thing I'll be getting the whole, "OH, I need a house for you to hook up my satellite system?" So I call to reschedule his appointment, when I see him rubbing at his translucent 80 year old legs, how odd. He kept wiping something away... So call made, he apologizes for wasting my time to which I say it wasn't a waste at all! IT SO WAS! I get to my van, and I look down and my legs are covered in these black specs... what is this? I too start to wipe at my pant legs, damn things are stubborn. What was it? Any guesses? There had to be at least a few hundred specs on my pants.... I pick one up and take a closer look... this spec has tiny legs.... then jumps from my fingers...FLEAS!!! WHAT THE HELL!!!! I start wiping like my legs were on fire. I spent the next few hours picking them off my legs, my socks, my shirt.... DISGUSTING! That bastard had better get his flea infestation under control, cuz I sure as shit ain't doin that job covered in fleas!

Could you move that trash can please?

The other day I encountered the epitome of white trash! Why is it that just because you're white, and have a smaller income do you have to perpetuate the damned stereotype of white trashiness! Ok, to paint the picture for you. I pull up, and first there's a couple broken down cars in the lawn. Not one, but TWO! Neither have wheels.... or doors. The porch is full of kids' toys and garbage. The lawn is knee high, and I kept tripping over shit just getting to the door! She walks out with a baby on her hip, and another runs past her in nothing but a diaper. Um... I think I can stop there. You get the point... and if you look outside whilst having a baby on your hip and see similar things in YOUR yard... God help you! And know this... anytime is a good time to get yourself fixed. Not fixed up... fixed like I neutered my cat fixed! It would be best for all of us! TRUST ME! So I'm working on the job, and I start connecting the lines at the power meter, and smell this terrible odor. I look over to my left at the porch, which is not two feet away, and what do I see? A trash can overflowing with dirty nasty diapers! OH GOOD GOD!! REALLY?! That's the first thing you want visitors to smell when they walk up to your front door? Your baby's urine and poops? Oh gross! And I have to be at this location for like thirty minutes... needless to say my then appetite for my lunch had vanished completely! Thanks for the half pound I lost that day Miss nasty house! The one thing that interested me in the house... she had a BUNCH of old Super Nintendo games! Course, they might have been new to these people. So I didn't mention anything about the new fangled contraption called the Wii. Why must you have five dogs and twelve cats?! When you cant afford to but cleaners to clean... anything, maybe you should get rid of some of your pets.. or get then fixed... maybe you could get a group rate, and they'll throw in yours for free! It could happen! Just sayin... look into it... PLEASE! For the love of God!!

What a douche!

Ok, so I have been low on good stories lately, and rather than bore you with more lame stories about bathrooms. So I haven't posted in a while. Today, however I didn't accomplish a damn thing!! So I get to my first job, and I ALREADY know I'm not gonna do this job. A certain apartment complex that is SOOOO strict, nothing ever gets done. So I let the nice man down easy, he and his son were cute. They looked so much alike. Moving on to my next customer. It was an adorable older gay couple. Well one left when I first arrived. So I start the job, and the other guy hands me this piece of paper saying he has power of attorney. I start to chuckle... I'm not a lawyer, I'm not gonna pull the plug on your boyfriend. Hell you could get a complete stranger and leave them here, and it wouldn't matter a bit to me. In fact, that's exactly what he does. He leaves, and gets his neighbor to stick around for me. So I finish the outside, and head inside to drill the hole, and run the line through. When she gets a call from the customer, and she gets this look of disappointment on her face. Hangs up. "Yeah, you gotta leave" Ummmmmm, excuse me?! "Yeah, they're cancelling, you gotta go. I know, it sucks" SUCKS?! Bitch, you're not the one who just got done working your ass off outside in this heat for three hours! grumble grumble grumble... So I take out the lines, the dish, EVERYTHING! Well, I call the dispatch center, and tell her the story... ten minutes later, she calls back to tell me why they've cancelled. THEY GOT EVICTED! Wow do I feel like a total douche for being pissy! Well... my last job was on the base here. Those also never go in. The bases are VERY strict on marking the ground, and giving permission, and such things. I arrive at the base on time, 12:30. I call him and ask where he lives. Damn number is nowhere to be found. He says he wont be there till 2:00. Oh great, so now I have to wait around for a couple hours considering I haven't accomplished a job all day. I sit there and messaged with a wonderful fairy. Filled my heart with happiness while sitting there waiting for this douche. He arrives, and goes to get permission, WOW you waited till now to ask if you could get it?! You're a real genius you know that? I'm not gonna make a lame joke about military "intelligence" Just sayin! So he comes out and says they said he couldn't get it. WOW... what a waste of a day... though you could look at it as having a paid day off...lol! Unfortunately there was no more work in my area, so I was sent home. Blessing in disguise. Went swimming, and had a wonderful evening!

Sometimes, I'm the idiot

Ok, so I haven't blogged in a while, half due to the fact that I've been getting home rather late form work, and half because I seem to be getting all the sane people... which is just terrible for my blog, and my day. They keep me laughing all week long. Well I get to this job where I'm installing satellite Internet. So she obviously seems competent, being a nurse and all. So I start the job and it's going smoothly enough. When I realize I dropped my wrench somewhere, and can't finish the job without it. Well I'm screwed! How crappy is that?! So I start retracing my steps, and what do I find? My hammer underneath the trailer... WHAT?? When did I lose this? Have I just totally lost it? Now, I've already been at this job for an hour longer than I should have, AND I'm over two hours away from home. So I REALLY don't have time for this. So I'm looking and looking, and nothing. Well I also haven't eaten since about six in the morning, and this fat kid gets cranky when that happens. So now I'm really cursing up a storm. Well I decide to clean up my mess, and throw trash away, and there it is. On the ground underneath the remnants to a box. Well thankfully!! So I finish everything, and head inside. The lady has a power strip completely filled, so I ask her to disconnect one of the plugs, so I can connect the modem. Well what does she do? She disconnects the powerstrip from the wall! Really?! How am I supposed to power up your computer and startup this crap internet?! C'mon lady! Use your head! What, am I supposed to power it up with my Fairy godfather powers? Guess what? I'm all out of "pixie" dust! Lets just use good ol' boring regular electricity. Really... what was she thinking? Some people... I can only chalk it up to her not really thinking, course that doesnt explain why she couldn't remember the password she just typed in not two minutes ago. I-D-I-O-T!!!! Just sayin.

How Gay is that?!

Ok, today was a GORGEOUS day! I couldn't believe how awesome it was.... and I just HAD to be working. Oh well... so my first job reschedules, idiots without TVs. "What you can't do the job without TVs? They didn't say anything about that!!!" Do we really have to tell you not to stab yourself with a knife? Or how about not to be a dumb ass? Do we really need to tell you that we need TVs to hook up to? How can I make sure it works?! Well.. we've been over this. Moving on, my next job cancelled out, the guy was a cutie, but not much going on upstairs. You live in an apartment complex surrounded by trees, you're not getting it. Which was kind of a let down, cuz I enjoyed looking at him... lol! Moving on, so I called my last customer of the day to ask if I could show up early, and he started yelling at me that he wanted to sleep in on a Sunday! Well excuse me for waking you up your highness! I didn't realize you couldn't hit the ignore button on your damn phone and not answer it. How about you stop being a little bitch, and just go back to bed. Then I made the mistake of saying, I'd be back at his scheduled appointment, but if for some reason they weren't available we'd have to reschedule. And apparently he heard me call his mama a whore! Cuz the next thing I hear is howling monkey in my ear! "WE'RE NOT RESCHEDULING!!! THIS IS THE THIRD TIME WE'VE HAD TO RESCHEDULE" WHOA!!!! First, I don't care if this is the 30the time we've been out there, if you weren't ready the last 29 times, then you're the dip shit for not being ready! So fast forward to me working on their roof. Now this has nothing to do with the Stalin-esque guy who's house I was working at, but I just had to mention it. So I'm listening to my music, and Tina Turner's Proud Mary comes up. And I'm jammin away, singing as quietly as I can, when all of a sudden I realize I'm tightening up the bolts to the dish at the beat of the song! WHILE shaking my booty! Now I can only ask one question to that.... HOW GAY IS THAT?!?! Well all I can say is at least it wasn't some musical... although that was the next song that played.... Mama Mia. Even worse, a musical AND ABBA. Good Grief sir....

What's that smell?

Ok, so I can officially say that I'm a dreamer. I always think I'm gonna get home at a decent time, but then I don't, because I work for the Third Reich! Moving on, so... wait. I can't move on till I tell you why. So they send my happy ass to Alabama! I think we've gonna over my feelings on Alabama. But, if you missed it I HATE the state!!! Not every person in the state, I hate working there. No signs, no addresses marked... not to mention it's Ala-freakin-bama for cryin out loud! Who wants to really go there?! If I could go avoid ever driving in that state, you'd see a very gay Mexican! So they added a job to my route today without taking one away from me, bullshit! Get that one done and head to my next job, and I pull up to a trailer park. Now I know what you might be thinking, this gay has a thing against trailers, well I do! But only because there are soooo many "folks" who perpetuate the stereotype! I park the van, and this female walks up to my door, I hate that, and she has bleach blond hair, her teeth are the color of mortar. You know, the stuff between bricks? Yeah... I puked in my mouth a little she grossed me out so much. Then she walked away and her backside grossed me out just as much! Bleh! I go inside, and she has three pit bulls in one cage, which really pissed me off! Bitch, you get in there and see what it's like! Then lets cram your whale of a boyfriend in there with you and see how much room there is then. So then I walk to the master bedroom where the other box is going and I hit a wall. A wall you say? Yes, a wall... a wall of urine! The stench was astonishing!!! And apparently, they "just" moved in... riiiiiight. Cuz this funk just happens overnight. So I go out and do the dish and stuff, come back into the piss-room and get ready to drill... and like an idiot a kneel down, and I feel wetness on my knee... I GOT PEE ON ME!!! UUUURRRRGGGGH!!! I'm now gonna have your puppy piddle on my knee for the rest of the day! I really didn't expect to have dog pee on me for half a day... it's not quite what you would imagine.... It's MUCH worse!! Some people, you know? How can you live like this?! It's deeeeeesgusting! I know my first thought when I moved out on my own certainly wasn't, "Hey, I wanna live in a pisshole of a trailer, filled with a trio of whizzing waggers! My first impression of the woman, and i use the term loosely, was that she was trashy as yesterdays five dollar whore, and boy had I underestimated her. She surpassed that one easily! One last thing... her ass was hanging out of her shorts... but like only a third of it was, the other two thirds were getting folded by her shorts... GROSS!!! Have some damn decency, but I suppose that's too much to ask from someone who'd rather pay for cable AND satellite, instead of this little invention called the toothbrush.... just sayin.

It's not THAT bad!

So it was raining something fierce the other day. Just a side note, not the same when I don't blog about the day on the day, but i didn't get home till after eight, and i had to eat, then go to bed. So I get all my jobs done by three! I thought, how awesome is this! I'll go home and clean, and have a nice evening... well not according to the Nazis I work for! So they send me an hour from where I am... really an hour? Why not just send me to Mississippi?! So I can really enjoy true redneckisms! Not that we don't have PLENTY of missing teeth on this side of the state line. So I get to my next job, and its a nasty garbage filled trailer! Instead of a skirt, it has piles of crap around it to keep the "bugs out" Whatever gets you through the night! So it starts raining... and thundering...YESSSSSSS!!!! Sorry ma'am I cant work in thunder... and before I can finish my sentence, she says, "I think we need to reschedule, its getting pretty bad" WOW, what a nice lady! So then I think, well its almost 5:30, for sure I'll get to go home.... NOPE! So I head out another 40 minutes away.... again, why not just rent me a hotel room for the night you bastards! I can't help the damn weather! I put my quarter in the payhpone, and gave God a quick call, and bribed him my soul for some thunder...lol! So I get to my last job, I hope, and apparently the rain and thunder has followed me. So I say the same to her... and she says, "I NEED MY TV! It's not THAT bad!" Meanwhile visibility ZERO! The sky is getting lit like crazy by the lightning... yeah not that bad! Tell you what you whacky woman... go and hold my metal umbrella for me... real high now so you can get your hyena ass a real good jolt up your ass! Why would I wanna die to give you your cheap ass TV, no HD, no DVR.... whats the point? Let me just kill myself.... FOR YOU! Yeah, I die, and you STILL don't get TV... so how about NO!!!! You can just get a reschedule! And you know what this bitch says? "You can wait it out" Yeah I can wait it out comfortably in my bed asleep, you wait out here for me with my "special" umbrella and I'm goin home you moron! This dish is made of metal, do I look like Ben Franklin?! Some people, ya know? Who demands to get a satellite installed on a day such as this? You are not important enough for me to pull you out of a pile of shit, eww by the way, so I think I'm gonna go ahead and leave. Seems that's how my stories end.